in the winter dark

on the hazy months.

week days without seeing the sun, weekends spent dodging the rain. electric blankets. beanies. gumboots. June and July always feel like a battle waged for the feel of daylight on your skin and blue skies. instead, most of it has been dreary greys. sad season, and it has been in many ways. moments of happiness shine bright though and those are the memories worth sharing. in all honestly I wrote a rambling post in honour of my lost June and then it sat, ignored and lonely until the final days of July. i have reshaped it from the meandering mess to a few moments that kept me going. there is guilt in writing this but most of these shining moments and clarity of mind came from time spent in my own company, hours of solitude.

but let us start with one built around intimacy. let me pause to rhapsodise of the beauty of an evening in. just several of us, a good friend, her husband and myself. bottles of red were opened that cold, stormy night. one, a single site shiraz, a special bottle I bought tasting with a friend and saved to share with others who would enjoy it as much as I would. just sitting, sniffing the wine, inhaling all the glass had to offer, was a revelation and sharing that moment was gratifying. the night was made simply trading songs and music videos on the TV, wine in hand, trailing off into the darkest, latest hours. this simple equation is one of the most unexpected and exquisite ways to spend an evening. we do this whenever we catch up, playing music on YouTube and enjoying music videos long forgotten. forever seeing where our picks take us. sometimes it is a playlist already created, sometimes we take turns picking songs seeing who can garner the most mutual respect, sometimes conversations lead us to playing particular songs. me, recommending Angie McMahon, the husband being introduced to the Queen song Somebody to Love, that very specific stage recording of Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac. I am convinced that there are few ways to better spend an evening than musical deep diving on YouTube. I always awake in the early hours of the morning and sneak off. this particular morning I watched the sun rise on the road in the quiet hours of a winter Sunday. I took a wrong turn and ended up under the giant underpass on the motor way and happily revelled in the unusual feeling of being underneath it all in the non-existent traffic of 7am on a Sunday, meaning I could enjoy the moment of dead end roads and the glow particular to rain wet bitumen and early morning light. can one even call that a wrong turn?

perhaps in the wake of this I decided to spend the month of June abandoning my usually beloved playlists and returning to the simple art of listening to an album front to back. I kept a list of what I selected and which ones were new to me. I regretted nothing. just reading the list speak to the season. For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver, For Melancholy Brunettes (& Sad Women) by Japanese Breakfast, Charm by Clairo, Light, Dark, Light Again by Angie McMahon, Trouble Will Find Me by The National, Virgin by Lorde. I was a sad girl in winter. the skies grey, the rain persistent, the personal sadness close. the profound timing and connection with Go Farther in Lightness by Gang of Youths. that will forever be a time and a place album for me now, a soundtrack to evoke a particular feeling that will never escape me. But there was also lightness and fun, not much but some. Kick by INXS, Taylor Swift’s Debut, Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, Positive Spin+ by Greta Ray and I Quit by HAIM. My month was defined by the sounds in my ears, much of it on the several long country drives on the quiet backroads that I could find. an endeavour I followed through into July. Late Star by Carol Ades, Bleed American by Jimmy Eat World, Koyaanisqatsi by Philip Glass referenced in a novel, Fleet Foxes self-titled, Tapestry by Carole King.

when it came to the last weekend of June I gave myself a single day. one Saturday to my own pursuit of pleasure and well being. an early morning coffee at my favourite spot, I tried on a book that didn’t stick that day. the good fortune of a haircut, a blissful head massage and hair wash, time for reading a second book which stuck and a good five centimetres off my ends to lighten the load. looking fresh and light I took myself to the art gallery to an exhibition I have been long looking forward to. Dangerously Modern. fifty Australian (& NZ) women who travelled Europe (& further) during 1890 to 1940. women, the forgotten, pushed to the side artists that some how managed to be great even if widely unacknowledged. I want to wax on and on about all I saw there, how it moved me and I wandered much of the exhibit with tears rolling down my face, Joni Mitchell in my ear (another moment for another album, Clouds). the things I saw and felt and couldn't stop thinking about. but really I think I need a whole fresh sub-stack for that feeling. I wandered the rest of the art gallery in the aftermath, visiting my favourites and throroughly enjoyed another patron in a matching red tracksuit with matching red sandshoes wandering the gallery taking a picture of every. single. piece. of. art. as he frenetically walked from wall to wall he captured everything. every moment. it made me smile and appreciate the whole moment.

I remember frantically scribbling all my thoughts on a ripped off piece of notepad that I had stuffed in my book, coinicidentally also art adjacent, as I sat in the dying light of the day, almost cold outside as I sipped a sparkling Chenin. as the skies shifted to purple I moved on to an Adelaide Hills Pinot Noir and a radish cake with chilli jam. perfection, followed by a solo movie date. a big box of popcorn was required as I sat down to watch Jane Austen Wrecked My Life. there were references to Cusk, conveniently the book I was reading just prior, which made it feel right. honestly, I quite enjoyed the film. it wasn’t anything particularly special or ground-breaking but it was delightful. the very French aspect of not crowding the film with cliche dialogue was welcomed, as was the male protagonist who gave off distinctly Hugh Grant Notting Hill vibes. I was thoroughly entertained and that day as a whole stands out as what Lou Reed would call just a perfect day. the saving grace of June.

July brought immersion and connection in the written word. I remembered the joy of reading simply for pleasure. I laughed over many dinners making my way through the audio version of An Academic Affair by Jodi McAlister, a sweet and wholesome good time. I sunk into The Edge of Everything by Miranda Luby, a gorgeous YA book that is the perfect example of why people need to stop looking down on young adult fiction. this novel was perfectly balanced and poignant and I loved every moment with it. Deep Cuts by Holly Brickley was incredibly well-timed with all my waxing on about the beauty and perfection of music and hit the exact right note for me and some well crafted sentences that I had to scribble down. Big Feelings by Amy Lovat had me laughing and sobbing in equal turns and was just what the soul needed. lately, if I can shed a tear, I count it a successful day as I felt something. Cure by Katherine Brabon was so rich in beautiful scenes, thought-provoking content and stunning sentences. I was entranced and was left with much to meditate on around the wellness industry and the concept of a cure. then I started My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante. I mean, I had read it years ago and had promptly forgot most of it. I decided now was the time to make my way through the quartet and I stand at the cusp of July shifting in to August with a hundred pages left of The Story of a New Name, ready to begin Women in Translation month continuing my feverish reading of Ferrante, with a side of Tokarczuk for when I need a different flavour of women translated lit.

I end July feeling sated and full to the brim of all that lights me up, an antidote to the dark. if you can take anything away from my rambling words let it be, remember the beauty of albums as a whole and let yourself cry and feel everything in the presence of art. you deserve a whole day in the pursuit of simple pleasure to remind you of what fills you up. if I can inspire you to wear your headphones, listening to a treasured album, while wandering an art gallery and finish reading a novel or taking yourself to a solo film, I’ll consider it a win for the soul.